Resolving

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iWant

I'm loving all these book recommendations - please, keep them coming! So far I haven't begun a new book - I'm weighing my options. I finally figured out how to borrow e-books from my library, but unfortunately, everything I looked up was already taken out. So I have 4 or 5 books requested for hold right now - I have a feeling that it will take a while to get them.

In other news, I think I may finally give in and buy myself an iPhone. I've been living with my non-data plan, bare bones/basic phone quite happily for a long time, and I've been reluctant to upgrade to a phone that will cost me an extra $30 a month. But M. got an iPhone a few months ago (he already had a Blackberry, which was no bueno - and I can attest to this, as I also have a Blackberry supplied by my job and it, too, is no bueno - so the only extra cost for his iPhone was the phone itself), and what can I say? I'm jealous. I want a cute phone case (I will get a super cute and probably not-at-all-practical one, I have already decided this. Just haven't decided on WHICH super cute case), and I want to amuse myself with the Internet and Pinterest and Facebook and Instagram and all kinds of other crap all. the time. I want it, I do.

I've usurped M.'s phone to a degree - I set up an Instagram account for myself on it. This is because M. does not "believe" in Instagram; he's all "why would you want to take a perfectly good photo and ruin it?" Jerk. Anyway, I knew he wouldn't want to set up his own account, so I went ahead and did it. But every time I want to take a photo, I'm not holding the damn phone. Because it's not mine, of course. And I want to take ALL THE PHOTOS. All the time. Capture the moments, what have you.

AND. And. My 10th anniversary is coming up. The "celebration" gift for 10 years is tin, and there is some tin in the iPhone (albeit apparently illegally mined), so this is totally legit, right? Plus, M. will be GONE on our 10th anniversary, and he won't be just anywhere, he will be in ALASKA. Because he gets to go to all the fun places. I get to drive back and forth to Northern Virginia.

I think I deserve two iPhones.

Trapped in Storyland

I'm on a reading kick lately - gobbling up books left and right. I almost feel as though I spent the last 7 years in book jail, separated by lack of time, effort, and energy from throwing myself into books, and I've finally been liberated.

I don't know why I have this feeling right now. Ever since I became a parent, I typically climb into bed somewhere between 10:00 and 11:00 at night, pick up a book (when I manage it), and struggle behind half-open eyes to read a few pages before conking out for the night. It's not that I haven't read any good books in the last 7 years - I have! - it's just that I'm so. tired. every. night.  And as a result, it's takes me such an agonizingly long time to read each book that I lose the connection to the characters, the setting, the flow, each time I put the book down. I spent an embarrassingly long time reading the Game of Thrones series (I did finally prevail, but refuse to re-read them all when the next book in the series comes out), and I think it broke me. My Kindle lay fallow for months while I settled for Facebook or Pinterest or a half-hearted perusing of Entertainment Weekly before heading off to dreamland.

But NOW! I climb into bed and read far too late into the night for the 6:00 a.m. wake-up of my alarm. I snatch moments here and there - while the kids are playing in the tub, at Lucy's dance class, while M. watches football on TV - much to M.'s annoyance. I served on jury duty last week, and the extended recesses and lunch breaks while the judge and lawers worked out various law-ish things was like manna to my furiously-reading eyes. I 've taken to carrying my Kindle in my purse, just in case opportunity knocks, and sometimes I'm so engrossed that I fleetingly consider grabbing it at red lights (would never. but want).

I'm not reading high-brow literature here, so don't be too impressed. Mostly I find my books through family, or from recommendations by a couple of the bloggers I read who regularly update on what they are reading. I'm trying to be better about adding titles to my Amazon wish list when I come upon particularly glowing reviews, so that when I finish a book, I don't have to face that sad "but what will I read now that I'm done?" feeling for long.

Here's what I've been reading lately, in case anyone else is looking for inspiration, too. I would do a "thumbs up/thumbs down" thing here, but honestly, I liked every book I read. Am I easy to please? Perhaps:

Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (sci-fi) - I borrowed this from my mom, because I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, but felt conflicted about giving the author any of my money what with his whole "gay people shouldn't get married" stance. So this way I could read (her battered, very old copy) for free! It was a GREAT plot, especially considering how long ago it was written, but suffered from a lack of development in the latter half of the book. Card spent so much time delving into Ender's experience in Battle School that everything that came after that seemed so rushed. Also the Peter and Valentine storyline was obfuscating. But I really, really liked the book and will probably (eventually) see the movie.

Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card (sci-fi) - the sequel to Ender's Game. It took me a while to get into this one - the beginning is wordy and has little connection to Ender's Game, so it's not like you're picking up right where that book ended. Plus, Card continued his "let's name the aliens something off-putting" (in Ender's Game, the aliens involved were called "buggers") convention by basing the storyline around an porcine-ish alien species he called "piggies." Hard to feel connected with THAT. But get into the book I eventually did, and it was another good read.

The Snow Child by Eowyn Ivey (fiction, of the regular-but-slightly-magical kind) - this book was absolutely beautiful to read. Every description was perfect, but there wasn't TOO much description. I was engrossed. Not one of those "excellent literature is dense" books - very readable. And beautiful. Highly recommend.

Cinder by Marissa Meyer (young adult/fantasy) - I'm not much of a young adult fiction reader. I skipped the Twilight series, and liked-but-not-loved the Hunger Games series (Mockingjay was such a disappointment). I borrowed this from my mom after both my sisters tore through it because I was running out of reading material on vacation. This is the first book in a series of four books (called the Lunar Chronicles), and like my sisters, I tore through it. A quick read, and the storyline - I'm not sure if it's meant to be a bit of a twist? Probably not. I hope not - the storyline is hinted at mightily from the beginning, so there are no real surprises. But I still loved it. A take-off on the Cinderella fairytale, it had all the right elements of YAF - a not-too-pretty heroine with a short catchy name, a suspenseful plot, bad guys (or in this case, gals), and romance. It was engrossing and also made me a bit swoony.

Scarlett by Marissa Meyer (as above) - I bought book 2 of the Lunar Chronicles as soon as I finished Cinder. For a second book (they are never as good, don't you think?), it was actually really well done. Cinder's story continues, but intersects with Scarlett's. Took me forever to realize Scarlett was supposed to be a take off on Little Red Riding Hood - I kept thinking Snow White for some reason (stuck in princess mindset? Ruby red lips?). And there are even wolves that feature prominently, so I don't know what my problem was.  I raced through this book as fast as Cinder, and got all excited when I saw the third book available for purchase on Amazon. Only to discover that it was a pre-order purchase, and the next book (called Cress) isn't due out until February of next year. I was sad. Want more now.

So I went looking for more young adult fiction, because it's cheaper and a quick read and gah, fine, I just apparently really like it.

The Fault In Our Stars by John Green (young adult) - This was really, really good, but also really sad. What possessed me to read a book about teenagers with cancer? Only a small part of me held out hope for a happy ending, so it's not like I was blindsided. And I guess the end is a bit uplifting? Very good, but bring tissues.

Divergent by Veronica Roth (young adult) - I had heard the name of this book before, something along the lines of it being the next Hunger Games, etc. That's not why I read it, though - I bought it because it was super cheap on Amazon, and I needed something to entertain myself during jury duty. It IS another "dystopian future" book, with a female protagonist with a short, catchy-but-tough name (Tris). There were so many parts of the storyline I found implausible. What's with all the empty trains that circle the city, just so that the Dauntless faction can jump on and off of them? Why don't they have cars, or at least bikes? They'd at least be cooler than taking the bus, I suppose. Plus, the whole scale of things was mystifying. How many people live in this fenced-in, destroyed version of Chicago? Why do none of them seem to know each other by sight, but it seems like there can't be more than a couple hundred in each faction? Why are is everyone allowed to choose their own faction, when everyone is supposed to exhibit all the same qualities (though I guess maybe that's sort of the point, now that I've finished the second book? Jury still out on that)? Wouldn't you just give everyone an aptitude test, and then stick them in whatever faction they line up with?

I could go on. But plot implausibilities aside, I was so INTO this book. I don't even know why. Oh wait, yes, probably the romance. Sucker. I am apparently a sucker for it. Reliving the angsty teenagehood I never really had, perhaps? Anyway, read this book. It's really good.

Insurgent by Veronica Roth (young adult) - Book 2. Not as good as Divergent (see above, re: second books never as good), but did  I care? Nope. I didn't care. I was NOT going to be able to get anything done until I had finished it, that much was clear, so after I finished my jury duty and faced the prospect of no more gobs of undisturbed reading time, I made M. watch football one night while I sat next to him and read to the end. The next day, I pre-ordered the third (and final) book, Allegiant, even though I think pre-ordering is lame, especially for a Kindle. But it's out next month, and I WILL be reading it, so whatever. I figured it can only get MORE expensive, not less (bought it for $9.99) for the foreseeable future.

Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell (young adult) - Most of the books in my Amazon wish list are books that Princess Nebraska has recommended. She reads A LOT (probably as much as you, Stacey, or maybe EVEN MORE, which I never thought possible), and is not easily impressed (unlike me), so if she likes it, it must be good. Eleanor and Park is one she recommended highly. I bought it because I had a Divergent-sized hole in my life to fill. But I didn't want another series - I had to get back to normal, controllable, only-a-little-bit-of-reading life. This is just a single book, so I figured I would be safe. How engrossing could it be?

I started reading it on Monday, about 10  minutes before I had to get ready to head down to my meeting in Viriginia. Just a couple of pages, to have something to look at while I ate lunch. I started, and within minutes I couldn't put it down. I brought it up to the bathroom with me, and read it while I brushed my teeth, and in between each makeup step. If I could have brought it in the shower with me, I would have. I don't even know why it's so engrossing, but it is. When I was reading it, I would get this weird buzzy feeling in my hands, which - I don't really know what that was about, but I think it's just a testament that I just felt this book so hard. I had FEELINGS about it. So, yeah, I absolutely loved, loved, loved this book. I'm so sad it's over.

And now I am reading nothing, despite my long Amazon wish list. Because I should probably take a break from reading for a bit. Definitely. The rest of my life is missing me.

But just in case I don't - what are you reading lately?

More Quickies: Sibling Affection and New Things

1) I hefted a sleepy, spaghetti-noodle-limbed Finn into Lucy's bedroom this morning so I could work on rousing both kids at the same time. (Goodness they are hard to wake up, every day EXCEPT Saturday or Sunday of course). I rubbed backs with that vigorous "I love you but get out of bed already" rub that one does, I talked in a sing-songy voice and cajoled, I even tickled a little (just Lucy, at Finn's suggestion). And then Finn crawled off my lap and climbed up onto his sister's bed to lie down next to her. She protested with a "Hey!," but Finn just said "I want to hug you." And her Hey! turned into a smile, just like that. Finn hugged Lucy and kissed her on her hip (it's both adorable and frustrating that kids seem to plant kisses on whatever is at mouth level, with no thought to whether it's an appropriate target) and called her "Lucy Goosey," a name that hasn't surfaced in a long time. Lucy kissed his head and responded with a soft "Finny Bo Binney." And they cuddled and smiled satisfied smiles, and I didn't have the heart to dump them out of bed.

Well, at least for another 60 seconds or so.

I just wanted to write that down so I'd remember it. I love how they love each other.

2) In other news, we got a notice last week that Finn's school has been approved for funding to hire another Kindergarten teacher. All of the 5 existing Kindergarten classes are over the allowed limit of 25 students, with all of them sitting at 27 or 28 kids. The notice we received stated that the school has hired the new teacher, and they will be forming a new Kindergarten class by the end of January. This means that a few kids from each existing class will be pulled out to go to a new classroom, with a new teacher and new classmates, 5 months in to the school year. This seems... not right to me. We don't know yet which kids will be pulled from their classrooms. Finn seemed excited at the prospect of having a new teacher, but I don't think he's really given much thought to the idea that it would mean, a) he would no longer have his current teacher, whom he has written little love notes to, so I'm pretty sure that means he likes her, and b) that he probably wouldn't have his very best friend from class with him anymore. As a parent, I am worried about what it would mean to have a new teacher that needs to get to know Finn from scratch - the continuity of learning will be interrupted to at least SOME degree, and we are JUST starting to figure out with his current teacher how to encourage good "green" behavior from Finn (the new year has been rough, with mediocre or poor behavior reports every day from January 2 until this past Monday, when he finally managed a good rating for the first time in 2013). I don't want to start all over again.

I'm also a smidge worried (and tell me if this is stupid - it's probably stupid - maybe?) that the new class will be formed by kids the current teachers recommend for the new classroom, and perhaps the teachers will conveniently recommend those kids that have given them the most trouble (well, *I* might do that!), and the new class will be a class of, um, kids with disruptive behaviors, shall we say. Which might then include my son, who is not exactly the king of good behavior, as I've documented a time or two on this here blog in the past. So then my son might be moved to a class full of kids with behavior issues, and well, I think that might be a less than ideal learning environment. One or two Finns in a class is manageable, but a class of Finns would be pandemonium.

Of course, I also don't want class sizes that are over the limit. But they've been over the limit since school started in August, and I can't for the life of me figure out why they are implementing this change now, so late in the year. If this had been done in September or even October, I would have been far more supportive. Teacher friends (and any parents out there), have you heard of adding new classrooms halfway through the year? When new classrooms are created, how are the students chosen?

Anyway, ack! Hand wringing! We'll find out more tomorrow night, when there is parents' meeting with the principal, and I think we'll know next week whether Finn's class assignment will change. Then I'll know whether I need to ratchet up my concern some more or let it retreat toward complacency.

3) And finally, a more positive new thing (I hope) - a new shirt:

(If you click to enlarge, this is less blurry, but also my eyes look scarier. You've been warned.)

This was an impulse buy from Kohl's when I dashed in (literally - fastest shopping trip ever!) to grab some new pants for both Finn and Lucy, since Finn has apparently passed on the "rips a hole in every right knee" trait to his sister and they both needed new pants. I saw this on the rack and grabbed it (in my defense, I did have the coveted 30% off coupon) without trying it on. It's a bit hard to see in this photo (can I tell you how lame I felt photographing myself? I tried setting up my tripod and using the automatic timer, but those shots were even worse. This was AWKWARD, but would have been even more so if I tried asking M. to snap photos - "and you want me to take these pictures for what, again?" - so camera in the mirror it was). Anyway, it's a chiffon blouse layered over a matching tank (and, um, no bra...). I thought it might be drapey and long enough that I could justify wearing it over leggings, but after trying it on I don't think it's long enough. Or drapey enough. Anyway, here is a link to the item at Kohl's, where you can probably see it better:  http://www.kohls.com/product/prd-1229210/apt-9-essential-roll-tab-chiffon-henley.jsp

What do you think? Is it a keeper? Well, I should rephrase that, since I've already worn it once and I thus MUST keep it. Is it something you would recommend wearing again? I wore it with some dangly gold earrings:

Sorry for the blurry photo. I really LIKE the earrings, and I think I like the shirt. It feels flattering when I'm wearing it, though it's not very figure-shaping. So I FEEL like I look good in it, even if in reality (or, for example, in these pictures) it makes me look a bit boxy. What I'm worried about is that the look might be a bit too... early 90's?? Big gold earrings, bright color, chiffon... Help! Am I dressing like I'm in the wrong decade? Thx!!

Happy Blogday To Me!

This blog was started, as many great things are, as a result of healthy sibling rivalry. My sister, MommyEsq, was pregnant with twins, and regaling our family and friends almost daily with postings on her now pretty-much-defunct blog (which I WOULD link to, but she pretty much never posts anymore, so...). Anyway, to keep up with her and give MY family some just and deserved attention from the distant masses, I started this blog. My first post was on July 10, 2008, four years ago exactly. I typically don't remember the anniversary date until after it has passed, but tonight a fleeting thought crossed my mind as I took a post-run shower, and I thought to check. It must have been some kind of divine intervention (or a closeted savant-like skill I am just now about to discover), because today is the exact day!

When I started blogging, I didn't really know what to post about. Do I write about my kid? Do I show pictures of him? How much of our lives should I put out there on The Internet? Should I write about myself? Will people think that's narcissistic? Should I try to make it funny, or come up with something deep and meaningful?

Well, that last one was definitely out. I am not deep and meaningful.

Instead, I wrote about my hair. And 271 other things, apparently.

This blog has been invaluable to me. I am so glad I started it, and I'm even happier that I've stuck with it. I don't know or care if anyone else is reading it (OK, I care a little), because *I* read it. Every so often I go back through old posts, and I smile at the photos, I get misty eyed at my growing babies, I even laugh a bit at my own jokes. I hope, 50 years from now, I still have these posts to look back on and help me remember these fleeting moments.

Here are a few of my favorite posts, the ones I like to go back and read the most:

I love Bye-low My Baby for the way it brings back both bedtime with a young Finn, AND memories of my great-grandmother.

The Sequel, where I come clean on our secret that we were having another baby.

For Love of Fruit Flies and Olives, where I expound on the craziness of Sarah Palin, the pickiness of toddler diets, and my deep appreciation of scientific research.

We Have, which describes a moment for the baby books. If baby books included "First Poop in the Potty" as a milestone.

Both kids' birth stories: Finn's, and Lucy's.

Addiction, where I revel in little hugging bodies.

Lucy, For Now, a snapshot of Lucy at a year and a half.

Honestly, I could link to almost every post, especially any post with photos and videos. I love them ALL! Ooh, my babies are so smooshy and CUTE! And while I may not post as regularly as I once did, and I may not share all my complaints and frustrations as the kids get older, I plan to continue capturing our days - the normal ones, the special ones, even those inevitable terrible ones. For my family, for my friends, for Finn and Lucy, but mostly for me.

Positive Thinking

It was supposed to be the perfect plan. Sign up for a 5-mile race to be run the week before we leave for our Florida vacation, train for it, and be in fabulous shape when it's time to don all those shorts and tank tops. It shouldn't have been hard - I've been slogging away at the jogging over this past winter, if not regularly, at least sporadically. By late May, I should be able to run 5 miles in my sleep, right?

Well.

I kept thinking I had plenty of time, until eventually I didn't.

I had other things to do, like baking and frosting cakes.

Could I have licked my fingers less? Probably.

Could I have run a little more? Definitely.

Luckily (I think), my vacation will be spent with many, many little kids in search of a human-sized mouse, and I don't really need to impress anyone with my bathing-suited figure. But I WOULD like to do a decent job during this race. And I WOULD like to resume feeling satisfied with my, erm, physical status. Not weight or appearance, really... except yes, that's what I mean. How I look, AND how I feel. I don't want to backpedal in how far I've come in the past two years. I want firmness in my limbs. I want to go for a run and not feel obliterated. I want to maintain my weight loss so far, and get a little bit farther.

Will I be satisfied, when I get a little bit farther?

When my kids squeeze my various body parts (which they ALWAYS do, no matter how many boundaries I try to set), I make a conscious effort not to recoil. I stand my ground, I smile, I make sure they know that while yes, this touching may be inappropriate (butts are not for touching, kid. No matter how much I want to pat yours), I am OKAY with everything they are feeling. Those lumps and soft parts and jiggly bits? Totally normal. I do that now, and I did that when I was 25 pounds heavier. I want my kids to think (to know) that there is no one body type that is better.

I believe that is true, intellectually. My body? Perfectly normal. My body 25 pounds heavier? Also perfectly normal. And yet emotionally, I can't get there. Why can't I do with my husband what I do with my kids? Is there a point where I will accept that when he (very appropriately) grabs my various body parts, they feel perfectly normal and OKAY? If I lose 10 more pounds, will I feel OK then?

I am disappointed with myself lately. Too many indulgences, and not enough discipline. I feel like a quitter, like a loser. Which I KNOW is stupid.

So this week, I want to focus on what I LIKE about myself. Including my body. And I'll start with this post. So please excuse me, I'm just going to step over here and compliment myself:

I always thought that my mom had beautiful hands. I think I have her hands.

I have a great smile.

My eyes are more than a little smashing. Especially when I wear mascara.

My hair may not be the thickest, but it's a nice, completely un-grey, natural color.

I have delicate wrists.

I can rock the shit out of a sexy top. It's all in the collarbones and shoulders.

I didn't get any stretch marks from my two pregnancies.

I have eyebrows I barely need to pluck.

*I* like my nose. You (and when I say you, I don't mean you, of course) may not, but I do.

If you play the right music, I WILL shake my booty. And I will enjoy it.

I can run faster and farther now than I could in high school.

I am beautiful.

How about you? What do you like about your body? How do you try to embody high self esteem for your kids (and yourself)?