The Bright Side

Yesterday we were sporting tank tops and blasting the air conditioner; today, we were wearing long sleeves and vests and fun scarves. Fall in the mid-Atlantic is a schizophrenic as ever, in a nice, comforting, expected way.

A few photos from a brief playground outing we snuck in between errands today, to remind our families what the kids look like :-):

Moments of the weekend I'd like to savor:

- Finn sneaking up to our bedroom both mornings and, upon seeing we were still asleep, creeping back down to his room quietly. A miracle.

- Sleeping until 8 a.m. today!

- Lucy waking up around 8:30 this morning to use the bathroom, and then heading back to bed for "just a little bit more." She popped out for good about 60 seconds later.

- Drinking coffee out on the deck with M., bundled up in slippers and a sweatshirt.

- Using my brand new immersion blender (an early anniversary gift that wasn't meant to be early, but I accidentally opened the shipping box - oops!) to make smoothies.

- Pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin muffins, pumpkins doughnuts. All in the same day!

- Letting Lucy talk me into buying a garishly purple and oh-so-wonderful bouquet of carnations at the grocery store.

- Some excellent good night squeezes from Lucy.

- Several declarations that I'm "the best mom ever!" from Finn - I may not remember exactly WHY I earned that title, but I plan to remember he said it!

Final note: Remind me to write a post about how we just bought the kids a book of Bible stories. I have thoughts and questions and a need for advice.

Hearts

Thanks for humoring my latest semi-regular freak-out about MY CHILDREN and LIFE and HOW WILL WE EVER SURVIVE?? Pretty sure that these episodes of mine track pretty well with a build-up of work stress and hormones, and things always look much sunnier after a couple of days and a good night of sleep. But thanks to all for your words of encouragement and empathy, they are very much appreciated.

I have come to the conclusion, however, that having kids is like birthing pieces of your heart on legs, that just walk around all naked (hopefully figuratively, most of the time) and beating and exposed - way more fragile than the one still in your body. I am constantly on the alert, thinking "how will these two little hearts get hurt?" Not WILL they, but HOW WILL they. Because it seems inevitable, as a parent, that something bad will happen. I can look on the bright side for myself, focus on the positives, laugh off imaginary potential dangers. But it is so much harder to let go of the fear when it comes to my children. It's a constant struggle between wanting them to be happy and wanting to tether them, encased in bubble wrap, to my body.

I see danger everywhere. Two hours of Alcohol and Substance Abuse Prevention training last week? Gah! Torture! Before kids, I probably would have joked about my past irresponsibility with alcohol, or my fortune at having a liver transplant surgeon as a dad. Now, I think about all the drunk drivers out there, and the awful, awful accidents they cause, and I want to make us a family of shut-ins. All I can see are images of their little bodies wrapped around trees, mangled. Three hours of Suicide Prevention training (can you tell I work for the Government?), and all I can think of as I sit through it is my kids, horrified at the thought that one day they might feel so awful that suicide feels like the only solution.

I'm not consumed with worry over my kids, but the thoughts are there, they come to my mind readily. I know intellectually that many of these dangers are still pretty far off. But SCHOOL. Now that is a danger that is here, already. I think I get a little anxious about how Finn is adjusting to school because there is such a high potential for unhappiness at school. For the heart (his, mine) to get bruised, or worse. Bullying starts so young, so, so young.

So I watch, eagle-eyed and, to mix metaphors, ready to get all "Mama Bear" if I need to. But I don't, I don't. Not yet, hopefully not ever.

(Worry) Warts and All

I haven't posted anything of SUBSTANCE lately. Weekend activities and remodeling and photos aren't exactly deep subjects, I know. But they are EASY. I don't have to think about what to share, or struggle with wording. Some bloggers, they have this wonderful ability to capture the essence of life (the good and the bad) so perfectly with their words - it can be a bit daunting.

But I don't want to just share glossy events and photos that only scratch at the surface here; I want this site to reflect our lives. So fuck the intimidation of "writing" life - here are some of my thoughts on how things are going lately.

1. Finn. I worry about this kid EVERY DAY. I worry he isn't fitting in at school. He comes home with all these stories about how the other kids won't throw him the football when he plays with them, that his "best friend" from his class didn't pick him for something special, that our neighbor won't play with him, that other kids won't play with him... just about every day there is a new frustration for him to share. This extends beyond the social realm, to just about EVERYTHING - every time I ask Finn about how his day went, he has a complaint for me. He didn't get to play on the big playground today. He didn't get a chance to use the computers today. He was sad when M. dropped him off in the morning. He wanted to tie-dye a T-shirt at the after school care program but couldn't because Gah, Mom, YOU DIDN'T SEND IN A SHIRT FOR ME. This kid never has anything positive to say, EVER. And he can't be THAT unhappy - he isn't trying to convince me he needs to stay home from school, he's not acting depressed or really any differently than usual. He is just SUCH a complainer. I worry he is destined to be unhappy, because he WANTS to be unhappy. How do you teach a kid to focus on the good stuff in life, rather than the bad? Is this something he has learned from me?

On top of that, I worry that he isn't paying attention at school. Well, I KNOW he isn't paying attention that well at school, so mostly I worry about whether he ever WILL pay attention, or whether he has a lifetime of bad behavior reports coming his way. According to Finn's teacher he "needs a lot of redirection," and "sometimes Finn just does what Finn wants to do." SHE's not concerned, but I AM. She thinks he is just bored because they spend a lot of time setting the stage and reiterating rules at the beginning of the year, and that it will get better for him as things get more challenging. And he TELLS me that he thinks everything is boring, so maybe there's some truth to that. But I know him - there have always been things that interest him, and he pays attention/does what he's told because he WANTS to. And there are other things that interest him less, or times when he thinks he has a better idea of what to do. And that's when he does whatever he damn well pleases. And I don't think that is going to change (maybe ever? I write despairingly?). There will always be things that he doesn't want to do, or things that he REALLY wants to do even though he SHOULDN'T, and good luck to the grown-up that tries to get him to tow the line. It just doesn't happen. My child appears to be missing that "fear of authority/respect for people in positions of authority" character trait. There are other kids who have never gotten worse than a "green" on the behavior chart, or easily win a blue every day (this Kindergarten follows a blue-green-yellow-red behavior rating system, where blue is akin to "exceeded expectations", green is "good", yellow is "warning", and red is... I don't know what, but something bad). My kid has had a red, two yellows, and just one green this week alone (so far).

He probably will never be the child that gets a "blue" every day. And I think the problem is that I WANT him to be the child that gets a blue every day. I see it as a flaw that he can't. And that bothers me. Who wants to think of their child as flawed? Or unfixable?

Or maybe he doesn't need to be fixed, and this is all "normal." And I just worry too much.

But at least now you know what I'm worrying about.

2. Lucy. I don't have any worries about Lucy. She occasionally throws a fit, but is generally easily distracted from it. Her most annoying traits are: A. a reluctance to let me brush her hair, and B. her insistence that she wear "swirly" dresses and skirts every day (a "swirly" dress will billow out when she spins around). Which eliminates most of her adorable, fashionable wardrobe. She is three, but a fairly mild three.

Though sometimes I worry that she's getting the short end of the stick, because her brother ends up grabbing more of my mental attention (though not physical - I do still spend more time with her, because she still has some "Mommy" preferences).

3. Siblings. Another thing I don't have to worry about. My kids generally get along (with minor squabbles), and genuinely seem to enjoy each other's company. So much so that they have devised a plan to marry each other when they are older. It involves a mythical situation where Lucy will be in a line of girls looking to get married (at the mall, of course), and Finn is there, and secretly they will have arranged that Finn will pick HER for his bride. Because bachelorettes often line up at the mall and wait for potential suitors to propose, right? But SHHH, this is a secret plan, don't tell Finn and Lucy I told you.

We've gently tried explaining that brothers and sisters can't marry each other, but it hasn't gone over terribly well. We'll wait until their a bit older to tell them about the mal effects of inbreeding in genetic terms.

4. Fitness. Blah. This I worry about. I am not happy with either my fitness (as in, it is quite poor these days) or my weight. It is affecting some of my general happiness/positive outlook, and probably making me over-react in other areas of life (see: Finn, above). I'm bored with running, and haven't been doing it, but still eating like I am. It hasn't been good for the waistline. And I hate that it bothers me, but it does. So.

Hmmm. Pretty sure Finn comes by all his complaining honestly.

I'm just going to end it there, so I can spend a few moments focusing my attention on my beleaguered husband, who has to put up with all my worrying, which he does WELL.

Floors Galore

Finally, finally, some official before, during, and after photos of our new hardwood floors - I know you've been just DYING to see them. Blogger is not working right for me tonight, so I'm going to just throw a bunch of photos up (way more than you could possibly want to see) with minimal text, and hope for the best!

Part 1: The Hardwood Floor

Before (these photos do not do justice to the dinginess/spottiness of our cream colored carpet which, thanks to lots of kid snacks and cat puke, was way past its prime):

The carpet was ripped up, along with the dingy old oak flooring that covered the entry way. The installation was a two-day process (two LONG, NOISY days. REALLY NOISY). Here are some photos M. snapped after Day 1, when I was happily sleeping in a hotel room, far from the dust and noise. As you can see, due to various "problems," the workers hadn't made it very far in the installation process (they told us afterward that they had estimated this to be a one day job, as they were cleaning up and leaving at 7 pm of the second day):

Once we had cleared up all the residual saw dust, random smudges of wood putty, and layers of rug dirt that covered everything in sight, though, the expense, hassle, and noise proved to be worth it:

The kids were so excited that they were easily conned into manual labor:

And prior to buying a new area rug to define the "living room" part of the space, we all enjoyed a few rousing rounds of bowling:

Our new area rug arrived today, so now I can show you the official "After" photos (with the caveat that we'd still love to get new curtains, a new dining room table, new kid chairs, and a new coffee table SOME DAY):

Notice that my cat is the queen of photo bombing

Part 2: The Tile

We contemplated extending the hardwood floors into the kitchen, which was blessed with this wonderful linoleum tile:

However, there was some concern that if we put hardwood in the kitchen, it would raise the floor up enough that we wouldn't be able to pull out the dishwasher if we ever needed to. Also, aesthetically, we were a little worried about having so much wood (next to the oaky, grainy cabinets) in such a small space. So instead we had a porcelain tile installed. The hardwood work finished up on a Tuesday, and we readied for the tile install two days later. As with the hardwood install, there were some unexpected surprises (a cabinet that wasn't mounted properly and had to be moved out of the way, uneven floors, etc), so what was supposed to be a two-day job turned into a three day job. BUT, the first two days were a Thursday and a Friday, and the last day was a Tuesday. So we had several days without a proper kitchen, and yet another round of construction dust to clear away when it was all over. We are VERY happy with the results, though - it came out great, and I think we made a good choice with the tile:

Next up (some day) will be a new countertop. I WILL remove all traces of linoleum and formica from this house, this I vow.

So there you have it - a bloody gazillion photos of floors. Come visit us and see them in person!!